To be honest… I am battling. Horribly. Terribly… and yet I know it’s still going to get much harder too.

In these last few days, I find myself grasping for strength to carry on with The Best Friend. Since I had started this book, wounds feel like they are being ripped open. I had never dealt with them… I just simply shoved them into a box, sealed the box tight and hid it in the furthest and darkest corner of my mind, hoping to never relive or revisit these old memories again.

I have attempted to record on the simplest of topics a number of times now, only to press stop and erase shortly after. I cannot even bring myself to talk about the “insignificant” things now.

My dreams are even consumed with nightmare after nightmare… all night long… and for days on end. Restless. Broken.

I find myself doing things… unnecessary things… all in the attempt of having a distraction… an outlet for what’s going on inside. Extra tattoos. Shopping sprees. Anything to avoid facing what’s running through my mind.

I had hoped that, today, when I had to go on a very long drive, I could get some recordings done… only to record, stop and erase each time, yet again. And then… then tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn’t hold them back any more. I broke down. I almost pulled off on the side of the highway… to try freeze time… to make the memories and pain cease to exist. But I knew that wouldn’t work, so I kept driving instead. And then I numbed out, yet still hurting. The tears were gone but I was still crying inside.

I remember too clearly how I felt when my world came crashing down, all those years ago… to then have all the shattered pieces shoved into a box, sealed closed and hidden in the furtherst and darkest corner of my mind. But now… now I have chosen to open the box. I always keep my word… and now I’m bound to keep a promise I had made to write this book… but now I’m also realizing that I’m not just writing it for others… and giving voices to the victims… but I am writing it for myself too. I need to face this past. This pain. This utter brokenness inside that I had ignored for too long. It’s so lonely inside this pain… and I am battling… truly battling to find the strength to carry on talking. I want to forget. But I know that tomorrow is another day and, again, I will get up and carry on. I will find the strength to face this… even if I have to face it alone.

I care… because I needed someone to care about me. I love… because I needed to feel loved. I rescue… because I needed to be rescued… my whole life. This is me. This is who I am. I care. I love. I rescue… and it only ends in more pain… but I still carry on being me. I carry on being who I am. I cannot change it. But this is one main reason why I choose to live in isolation most of my life. A spiral… a whirlwind… it’s just safer to stay out of the way.

So many people tell me that I’m incredibly strong. Most of my life, I wasn’t given an option… so I had to be. So many people have voiced so many amazing things to me over the last few days. I shake my head each time. I am merely just me. I am only human. There’s honestly nothing great to admire. I just get up and carry on, despite…

I know I have become so good at hiding pain. So good at pretending that even now I am not struggling. It’s automatic. It’s not on purpose. It’s a “skill” learnt since childhood. But I am starting to wonder now if people need to see “the struggle”… to see “the pain”… to see that I am “still human”… maybe… but I’ll have to learn to show it and I’m not sure how. I never tell anyone when I am struggling. I never say when I am hurting. I only cry when no one is around. It’s exceptionally rare for me to be that vulnerable in front of anyone. Why? Because I learnt not to, since I was a child. Something I will not talk about here… just know that all it ever did was make things far worse…

I am starting to wonder what lies ahead in dealing with this pain… in writing The Best Friend… and in what lies ahead in how it will change me too. I don’t know what will happen but I know that, right now, the struggle is real… and even though, right now, I have resorted to isolating myself even more because of it… I honestly wish I wasn’t alone…