COURAGE, BETRAYAL, BROKENNESS & PAIN

Rock Bottom

A month and 1 day ago, my grandmother passed away. I will never forget the moment I found out. I cried so hard. I hit the walls saying, “It isn’t true!!!”… and cried more. The tears did not stop. One of 3 most loved, most teasured, most irreplaceable people in my life… was now gone.…

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Earth’s Greatest Treasure. Heaven’s Most Beautiful Angel.

How do you describe a pain, when there are no words for it? How do you describe a loss, when your mind still wages war trying to make you believe it’s not true? How do you describe the most incredible grandmother that ever existed? You can’t, because the dictionary simply doesn’t have words that are…

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This Is FAR HARDER Than I Let People Realize

Record. Pause. Heart Racing. Tears welling up. Lump in my throat. Record. Pause. Sobbing my eyes out. Delete… Try again… Talking about all of these things regarding Cecilia Steyn is far harder for me than I let people realize. I could not put it into typed out words, but I thought I would try talk…

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Never Be Ashamed Of A Scar

NEVER BE ASHAMED OF A SCAR. IT SIMPLY MEANS THAT YOU WERE STRONGER THAN WHAT TRIED TO HURT YOU. Yes, this is a photograph of my arm. I’m not oblivious to the looks I get when people see it. Akward stares; thoughts racing through their minds. At first, I felt so ashamed. I knew what…

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My Phone Call From God

Wow. Let me start by saying that God hears EVERY word… EVEN when you don’t say anything at all… For the last several days, adding to the months prior, I have been bombarded with thoughts… confusion… questions… wondering… hoping… insights… and more. My mind has been flooded with TOO much… about TOO much. My mind…

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Picking Up The Pieces

Admittedly, I am still very numb from the incredible knock and shattered hope I received just two days ago. I am both at war with pain and peace… broken dreams and hope… and things I don’t have words for. But now, now I have to force myself to get up, dust myself off and carry…

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Shattered In The Moonlight

I don’t even know where to begin, except to say that I am utterly broken… and confused… so confused. I can’t hide behind a wall right now… I can’t distance myself from the emotions… this is very real. I am shattered beyond belief. For several months now, I had hung onto hope… I even DARED…

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Voices In Hiding

I am utterly speechless… no words! Goosebumps! Floored! Wow! Over the last number of weeks, being flooded with people reaching out to me because of my book Leviathan Walks AND The Best Friend, I had never expected this to happen… I have been receiving message after message from those who used to be part of…

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Brokenness

Last night I was broken beyond belief… beyond words… beyond any actions that could be done to fix it… helpless… lost… Last night I watched one of the strongest people I have ever known become completely and utterly broken. What I walked into, I don’t think anything could have ever prepared for me for. I…

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Pandora’s Box

I know I had recently said that it feels like I have opened Pandora’s Box when I started the audio recordings for The Best Friend… but I am starting to realize, only now, how true this is. Everything is connected. Dot to dot, the mindmap leads to so much more than I realized. Too much……

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Loner. A Core Reason.

To sum this up, 3 words: “people scare me”. In the last while, since my post Good At Being A Loner, I felt like I should give a more “rounded” answer to this topic because I don’t like giving “half answers”… especially when wrong assumptions are made and I seem to sound “somewhat” of “something”…

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Nightmares

“To sleep or not to sleep”… that is my question lately, and more so as each day passes. I am UTTERLY exhausted! But each time I close my eyes, I don’t drift off into dreamland… I get rudely sucked into a vortex of intensely graphic nightmares… all night long. Waking up on the hour, every…

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Battling

To be honest… I am battling. Horribly. Terribly… and yet I know it’s still going to get much harder too. In these last few days, I find myself grasping for strength to carry on with The Best Friend. Since I had started this book, wounds feel like they are being ripped open. I had never…

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Unspoken Secrets Of The Past

I must admit that I did not expect to be where I am right now. I did not expect to come face-to-face, head on, with the memories and turmoil from my past regarding Cecilia Steyn and the rest of the Krugersdorp Killers. I never expected that I would eventually talk about things that NO ONE…

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What Happened?

What happened to common decency? What happened to being truthful? What happened to dignity and respect? What happened to “do unto others as you would have them done unto you”? Is it all just fictional or fantasy stories that we talk about but none of it really seems to exist on this planet? It’s just…

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Arrived!

Right now, I’m feeling the same overwhelming emotions that all my Authors talk about when they hold their books for the first time! It’s, simply, overwhelming… This is the first time I have decided to print Leviathan Walks and Fragmented Shadows. I never considered it before but because of too many requests, well, I saw…

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The Best Friend. Let’s Start…

I can most definitely say that I wasn’t planning to start this book, The Best Friend, any time soon. It required too much “of me” mentally and emotionally to dive in… and each time I thought about how much I had to cover for this book… well, I avoided it. It is, simply, too much…

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Leviathan Walks. The Release.

It’s now just past 1am and I am glad to finally say that Leviathan Walks is ready for its re-release! In editing the last 10 or so chapters, I must admit, I found myself constantly repeating to myself, “Wow, what a messed up life I’ve lived!!!” … “How on earth am I still alive???” ……

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The Krugersdorp Killers. A Dent In My Life.

When I think about this part of my life, too many thoughts come rushing back all at once; so many thoughts that I honestly don’t even know where to begin when it comes to talking about it. I am yet to start writing my new book, The Best Friend… Why? Two reasons: I am finalizing…

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Lullaby & Goodbye

I have to pause for a moment… I am busy listening to Lullaby, by Nickelback………………… This song has me completely choked up, with memories and emotions of my past flooding back into my mind. My breathing has become shallow, my chest has become tight and tears want to come rushing back… all because it is…

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