Sitting here… a smoke in one hand, cigarette in the other, and music blasting in my ears. Definitely not my “every day norm”…
Feeling overwhelmed by life… or is it my thoughts? I am not sure right now. I know I need a “time out” to think, yet I can’t clear my thoughts or make sense of much. No, I haven’t had too much to drink. I am not even half way through my drink, and, after all, alcohol doesn’t effect me nor am I a binge drinker. I am merely flooded with thoughts… non stop scenarios, questions, and too many uncertainties… at least on what is ultimately important to me. The “little things” don’t phase me much.
I am not going to talk about what is on my mind because, simply, it’s too important and too private to share “just like that”. What I will say is that in moments like these, I honestly wish that there was a way to know the future, or even the truth of some things. It would be so much easier to be able to pick up the phone and talk to God… or even text Him, at the very least. Wouldn’t that be so awesome? I have so many questions… or not really, actually, just a few… or only one, to be honest… that I would desperately like an answer to. I know that only in time, the answer will come. But patience is not always my strongsuit… not, at least, on things that are incredibly important to me. Things that could ultimately determine if I fly… or crash. I know I am being vague. And as much as I would like to voice my one specific question, I won’t. I have to wait. There’s no texting, no phone calls… just simply time and patience. It’s not a matter of life and death, although it does honestly feel like it because I would simply give up everything for it. There’s not much in life I ever ask for, but for this, I would give my all.
So for now, as these next few minutes of time pass, I am zoning out into the music… a drink in one hand, cigarette in the other… and desperate hope in my heart that things will turn out the way I so badly want them to.