Admittedly, I am still very numb from the incredible knock and shattered hope I received just two days ago. I am both at war with pain and peace… broken dreams and hope… and things I don’t have words for. But now, now I have to force myself to get up, dust myself off and carry on. I had a day and a bit of allowing myself to feel and be broken… and I could easily carry on for days on end like that… because what broke me, definitely is worthy of mourning longer over. But I have to work. I have responsibilities… and simply, I can’t function if I don’t move. If I don’t get up, I’ll stay stuck.

My heart is still hurting… so incredibly badly that it physically aches and the pain is too deep that tears don’t even flow anymore. Hurt. Empty. Hopeless… yet, still hoping. I don’t know why I am still hoping. Possibly in denial or possibly “this is not the end”? I don’t know. Peaceful that everything will work out and I’ll be happy again… work out in the way I want? Or work out in a better way? Or just overcoming this shattered heartbreak? I don’t know. Your guess is as good as mine. I can still easily tell you that my heart has definitely not let go… reality of “things” has not set in properly… maybe because it’s not over or maybe because I can’t accept it yet. I wanted it TOO MUCH… I would have and still would give my last breath for it. Time will tell…

Honestly, I hate “time”… waiting on unforseen events… waiting to work through it… to get through things… waiting, waiting, waiting… can’t there be a remote control for life, like “Click” the movie, and we can fast forward? But I guess, like the movie, we will then miss out on important things between where we are and where we want to be.

In the last while, I have turned into an avid gardener. I have watched a bland garden turn into a tropical paradise. It was a lot of work. A lot of patience. A lot of doctoring. Pruning. A lot of love and care… daily not giving up because of the end result that I wanted. In the process, there was excitement in seeing how things grow… what works, what doesn’t work… new flowers blooming that I have not seen in over 5 years of living here; flowers I had not planted either… exciting discoveries… frustrations… hard work… time and patience. In gardening, you can learn a lot about life… not that it makes life any easier. But as I stared at my garden yesterday, I again wished the flowers would hurry up and all grow into the “end result” I want. They are definitely on the way there… just not there yet. Then the thought hit me: everything has a process, everything takes time. Life, in a nutshell. No, it did not make the pain I felt any less… but it did not take away the truth of the matter.

I am still hurting… beyond words… I am confused beyond belief… disappointed… low, beneath the core of the earth… but peaceful and hopeful that things will work out… something will work out, even if it’s not ultimately what I wanted but maybe it’s something even better. I’ve gone through enough trauma in my life, enough disasters, enough heartache… I needed a LOT of doctoring and pruning… and only in the last few months did I finally feel like my life was finally starting to bloom. All the love I had sewn in my life, despite the pain and heartache, is now starting to harvest in my life. I have been told “NOW, is your time”, “NOW is when your life is going to finally change for the better”… I felt THAT, even before people started telling me that… so… I CHOOSE to not throw in the towel, to get up and carry on… and watch “my garden bloom”…