All through my life, I have had several “go to” traits when it comes to sorting out what’s going on in my life or, mostly, sorting out my thoughts. Now, I am OCD, so not being able to “physically” compartmentalize my thoughts into categories, sub categories and, basically, an overall mind map, at the very least, can tend to become too much for me at times… so I then turn matters into something tangible. It might not make sense, but it does work for me.
Now, what is it that I do? Well, I pull apart my house and redo it. The whole house. The physical act of sorting things, while my mind is sifting through thoughts, puts me more at ease. I definitely don’t do this often but it’s happened enough, in my life, for me to take note of.
Yes, I would love to go for massage… I desperately need one… or do anything else that I would find relaxing for that matter. But those are only good enough “for the moment”.
I find that when my house is sorted… meaning, neat and tidy, everything has its place, and so on… it is a clear demonstration of my mindset at that point in my life. In times where my house has looked like utter chaos, I was very far from okay within myself. But once I start piecing together my house, it is a tangible representation of how I am on the inside. Sorted inside, sorted outside. I hope I am making sense?
Just to clarify, in the times that I pull apart and redo my house, it’s not when I am feeling chaotic on the inside of myself; I am not angry or depressed or anything of the sort. When I am in THAT, mindset… well, the house will chaotically speak for itself. Times of restructuring and sorting is when I am either on “the mend” or when I am evolving into, dare I say, a more improved version of myself… or just, simply, because I am happy and my place needs some sprucing up a bit. Are you still with me?
Ok so why am I rambling on about this? Because for just over a week now, it’s probably the only time, ever, that I have so dramatically pulled my house apart… resorted, redecorated it and so on. I have even surprised myself, to be honest. I’ve never been this extreme and in such a short period of time too. Room by room, all in one go actually, I emptied every cupboard and drawer; shelf by shelf, reorganized and redecorated; wall by wall, repainted and redecorated and even with newly designed pictures too… I’ve even gone as far as fixing and painting the dining table! I don’t think my house has ever been THIS organized before. Am I done? Nope. As each “milestone” is accomplished for what I want to do in the house, another thought comes to mind and there I carry on with “my mission”. I am now painting door frames this week! Yes, door frames! I have, after all, repainted walls and all the doors this week, so why not? And yes, I have even overly worked myself for my clients at the same time through all of this too.
Yes, I am exhausted physically… but mentally and emotionally, I am still running… happy, excited and things alike. Yes, I have had days where I looked like a dust bomb hit me and someone had attacked me with paint too! And, unfortunately, I accidentally rehashed an old injury, from childhood, twice in one week, where I couldn’t walk because my leg was, well… my leg was completely fucked (please excuse my French). But I’m still going! I am even surprised. I normally don’t do half as much, nor do I ever last longer than 2 days in doing anything so dramatic to my house. I am honestly waiting for the official “crash” here… I just hope I get everything done in time before then!!!
Another odd trait I have, when working through thoughts, is cutting my hair. Yes, in random moments, I would grab a pair of scissors and just cut. Why? Probably a similar reason to why I pull apart my house. But maybe, more so, the “gone with the old, in with the new” concept. Yes, today I cut my hair. Don’t worry, I went to a professional. My hair has been overdue for more than a year, so why not now? New cut, new color… done.
My mind normally feels like it’s on ADHD mode permanently but that’s, simply, because my brain had to learn to be that way because of the demands at work. I never physically had ADHD unfortunately – I honestly think that excessive energy would help at times. But now, having a mind that’s trained to be ADHD and OCD… it’s not good after a while. So, blasting music, singing, paint tin in one hand and gliding smooth paint strokes up and down a wall with the other hand… I’ve found it’s very theraputic. Yes, so much has run through my mind in the process but the physical act of doing something has made it more bearable to be able to sift through all my thoughts.
What will I do when the house is completely done? Your guess is as good as mine. I have been known (and I have done it this week as well) to unpack perfectly organized cupboards and repack them perfectly in the same order again. Yes, even I know that’s crazy. I doubt I will do that again any time soon though. I have too many ambitions in life so, perhaps, I’ll attempt one of those… providing I haven’t crashed yet for an energy reset.
So what am I working through? What is keeping my mind so busy? Life. Everything. All in one go. But looking back at all of this, it does make me wonder what type of dramatic change is happening on the inside of me though. I haven’t quite figured it out but all I do know is that it is more than likely something good… really good. And yes, I am excited! … even though I don’t know why yet.