LULLABY & GOODBYE

I have to pause for a moment… I am busy listening to Lullaby, by Nickelback…………………

This song has me completely choked up, with memories and emotions of my past flooding back into my mind. My breathing has become shallow, my chest has become tight and tears want to come rushing back… all because it is too overwhelming… heart breaking… so unbelievably broken, far beyond what any words could ever describe.

All I ever did was love and care for others… I never dared to hurt anyone because I would NEVER and could NEVER do that… I even laid down my life so many times, just to protect others… too many times to keep count of… fractured this, broke that… it’s impossible that I’m still alive… yet… all I was given in return, was incredible brokenness… my whole life. There’s so much I want to say, but I won’t. I can’t.

I am honestly battling to type this post but I’ve been meaning to, since I listened to this song just a few days ago. I put it on repeat… over and over, it plays… over and over, I sing to the words… I close my eyes and remember… but when I open them again, I realize how far I have come. I am not there any more. I am in a VERY different place, within myself, now. I didn’t realize how far I have come, until I listened to this song and until I had remembered the past that I had once lived. Wow… Choked up.

There is nothing that I could say that could ever describe the pain that I have been through… repeatedly… non-stop… with not even a five minute break to catch my breath between them. There is nothing I could say that could help anyone truly understand the ultimate desperation I had been in… the type of desperation that caused me to wholeheartedly believe that suicide was the only way out… the only way to be free… finally.

A few people know about my life… but no one, at all, knows the full extent of what I have been through… yes, I want to talk… but I have yet to find the courage to become THAT vulnerable and I have yet to find someone that I trust THAT much with everything. With what I have already said to a few people, I could see that it was too much for them to handle. They teared up. They didn’t know what to say or do. They couldn’t handle it… and yet, it was maybe only 10% of what I have been through. I feel more torn when I open up to people, as well, because I can see how it causes them pain… and I NEVER want to be the cause of anyone’s pain. I would rather carry the pain alone. Besides, it’s over now and I am in a better place too. It took so long to get to where I am and, yet, I know I still have far to go. But the one thing I was reassured with, many years ago, is that no one is completely healed, so I shouldn’t pressurize myself into becoming completely whole… because when I did that, it caused me to feel more broken anyway.

Healing is a process. A painful one. A long one. A seemingly never ending one… and often, we never understand why we go through what we do… but after listening to this song and looking back, then looking to where I am now… I have come so far. I honestly can’t remember when the last time was, when I had a suicidal thought enter my mind… or even when the last time was, that I had cut myself. Faded memories. But I do carry the scars… both inside and out.

Yes, I desperately want to tell someone… to trust someone ENOUGH with everything I have been through. I DESPERATELY want someone to understand. But I don’t know if that will ever happen. All I can say is that, in listening to this song, it also made me think of others who have managed to kill themselves… and those who are fighting and possibly losing the war with their thoughts for ending their lives. I think that chokes me up far more in knowing that, than looking back at my past.

I DESPERATELY wish I could make you feel less alone. I DESPERATELY wish I could let you know that I TRULY do understand… and I also know that even in saying that, it doesn’t take away the pain completely or much at all. I DESPERATELY wish I could change your scenario, your pain, your fears and the whirlwind of darkness around you. All I can say… all I can ask… is please hang on one more day…. please hang on one more moment longer… one moment at a time. You won’t see it now but you will see it eventually… everything will be okay. I have tears streaming down my face as I type this. I know pain too well. Honestly, I TRULY WISH that I could be the one to rather carry the pain for you, so that you could be happy instead. It doesn’t matter what the pain does to me, as long as you are happy.

You are not alone. One moment at a time…