SHATTERED IN THE MOONLIGHT
I don’t even know where to begin, except to say that I am utterly broken… and confused… so confused. I can’t hide behind a wall right now… I can’t distance myself from the emotions… this is very real. I am shattered beyond belief.
For several months now, I had hung onto hope… I even DARED myself to believe, when in the past I would always doubt because, “Since when does something truly great happen to me? Since when do I get the ONE thing that I REALLY want?” I don’t know… all I know is it’s not now. For months people have said to me, “just believe”, “it’s going to happen” and even “the universe is in your favor, so you better make a list”… there was ONLY ONE thing I wanted… anything else was just an added bonus. But things were going so well… too well… I just knew there was a catch. If my “added bonus” list for getting another car and covering finances were being so easily answered… how much more should I then be excited about the ONE thing I wanted… answer: heart broken. I would so easily trade everything for the ONE thing I truly want. I would even give up my last breath for it. I have never wanted something so much in my life. I never ask for much, but can’t I just have this ONE thing? Nope. I guess not. But admittedly, I definitely did not and do not feel worthy of it. It’s too good for me.
I dared to believe. So many signs heading in that direction… only leading to a dead end. I even told myself yesterday, “Try staying positive, instead of negative”… and I truly was. Maybe I was too positive? I was too excited? But at the back of my mind, I knew there was going to be a plot twist… there always is. But I shoved those thoughts away and stayed positive. I was “high” on life… yet, last night my world came crashing to pieces… shattered beyond belief. For the first time, in I don’t know how long, thoughts of cutting entered into my mind… and so vividly that I could already see the blood dripping from my arm. I’m not good enough; I need to be punished. I am hurting so badly; I need an escape. BUT I did not reach for a blade. I have scars on my arms from long ago that remind me of past pain… and a “semi colon” tattoo above them to remind me that life goes on. But I needed to escape pain. Alcohol has NEVER effected me… and believe me, I’ve tried. I wanted to test my limits in the past. I never had a limit. I had never even been tipsy in my life… not even after downing entire bottles of 43% vodka. But I tried last night. Something had to work. It never did in the past but it was either that or I might have reached for a blade. Two sips in and I was knocked. Quarter bottle down and I was finished. First time ever. Maybe it’s because THIS really means something to me… mind over matter. I guess, in comparison, nothing in the past mattered then… but I know that anyway. I knew NOTHING in my past could compare to THIS. I would give my last breath for it. I cried and I was angry at the world. “Why?!” I wasn’t angry at what broke me… I was just broken beyond belief. Then an entire night of throwing up… and yet, each time I did, I thought to myself, “It’s worth it.” No matter how sick I felt and no matter how much pain I felt… It’s worth it. What I want… is worth it.
Now, today, I am numb… can’t even eat. Also a first. When I hurt, I eat. Depressed. Eat. Anxious. Eat. Food was my comfort. Not now… and I don’t have a hang over either. I think that was “thrown up”. I am numb but underneath the surface is pain and shattered reality. So shattered that I even split again. More of me. “Yay”… sarcasm. “I’m sorry” to the new ones who carry the excess pain and everything else but thank you for saving me… yet again. I don’t know how “normal” people cope… honestly I don’t. And beneath the surface, there is also undeniable peace… pain and peace at war with each other… both colliding into each other, causing me to feel numb. Yet, I am also shaking. I feel both emotions too. The peace is confusing. It says, “It’s going to be okay”…. “It’s still going to happen”… but I want to scream at “that peace” to get a reality check. “Did you do a latest update on what’s going on? Or are you in denial? Or is there really hope in all of this?” I don’t know. All I know is “time” will answer that… “time” will either heal the pain… or help me move on… or make this seemingly impossible dream still come true. Can’t there be a “Dummies Guide to Life” book? A road map? I’m walking in the dark… bumps and bruises… and now just on the floor… shattered…
Now… now I have to somehow get up on my feet, dust myself off and carry on. This ONE thing… this ONE hope is what kept me going every day… and now I have to figure out how to carry on without it… yet, I know at the back of my mind, I am still hoping… undeniably and deniably hoping… do dreams ever come true? I just want this ONE thing…