WHO AM I?

I am so thankful to those people who sent so many messages, telling me that they can wholeheartedly relate to what I had written in my Book, Misunderstood. Even though I aim to let others know that they are not alone, the feedback received also, in turn, made me feel like I am also not alone. I appreciate you all so much! Thank you!

MISUNDERSTOOD

Who am I?

People ask.
I ask myself that question too.

Who am I?
I do not look like much.
I am not picture perfect,
nor a model in a magazine.
I do not think much of myself at all.
I have my faults and my flaws,
and I will easily admit to them too.

Compliment me,
and I automatically think
you are just being nice.
And no,
I honestly do not believe you…
Simply because of how I see myself…
But thank you for trying.
It does mean a lot to me.

They say that you can only love others
if you love yourself…
That is a lie.
I love UNCONDITIONALLY,
just not myself.
Look at my past
and you will see it is true.
I know how to love,
TRULY LOVE,
just not when it comes to me.

So, who am I?

Look at my heart…
That is my truth.
That is where
you will find me.

So, let me open my heart up just a little,
and try help you understand…
because I’m SO TIRED
of being misunderstood.

I wish you would just take the time,
and give me a chance,

I might just let you in…

I WISH YOU COULD SEE THE REAL ME.
I WISH YOU COULD UNDERSTAND.

I AM NOT LIKE ANYONE
YOU HAVE EVER KNOWN.
I AM DIFFERENT.

I am…
Out to save the world.
No hidden agendas.
Down to Earth.
Head in the clouds.
Deep in thought.
Silly moments.
Funny.
Honest.
Respectful.
Protective.
Supportive.
Accepting.
Understanding.
Helpful.
Caring.
Loyal.
Patient.
Trusting.
Innocent.
Ignorant.
I am real,
and I am so much more…

Yet, my heart gets me in trouble…
I care too much,
I give too much,
I love too much,
I LITERALLY GIVE MY ALL…
Even if it means I go without…
Even if it costs me my own life.

I am truly sorry for those
who try make their way into my life…
I simply and honestly cannot let you in.
My heart is too reserved,
too scared
and too scarred.

For those who I do let in,
it scares me just to have you in my life…
Simply because of what my past has taught me.
So, I am waiting for you to break me…
Any moment now.
But please don’t?

For those I love,
I would take a bullet for you
WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT.
Laying down my life for you
is easier than taking my next breath.
I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.
NOTHING IS OFF LIMITS.
YOUR HEART IS
UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED
AND
COMPLETELY
SAFE WITH ME.

The people who have seen who I really am,
leave me used and abused.

The people who do not know me,
assume I am just like the rest of the world.
BUT I AM NOT.

Please don’t assume
anything of me
because you WIll BE
HORRIBLY wrong.

I know I leave people confused.
I often see questions racing through their minds…
The confused looks on their faces…
But it is only because I am real…
And because I am so different.
I have heard this so many times.
And apparently, that is not normal.
Apparently, I am not normal…
But only because I am not
like rest of the world.

I am an alien on this planet.
I do not belong.
I do not relate.
I am not the same.
Nor do I understand
why people are the way they are…
Simply because I am not like that.

So, I try build up my walls.
I try set boundaries.
I try change.
But how do I change who I really am?
I cannot.
I am me.
That is all I have ever been,
and all I ever will be.
To try being something I am not,
feels like I would be killing myself inside.
So, I will always
and forever be me.

I cannot change my heart.
I refuse to become hard to the world.
I would rather be hurt,
than hurt others in return…
No matter what they have done.
I just have to learn to see the red flags,
and heed their warning.
Yet, I still give people the benefit of the doubt,
simply because
I WOULD NEVER
hurt
or
take advantage
of anyone…
so I do not expect people
to do that to me…
But I am so often wrong.

I keep most people out of my life
or at a distance at most,
because my heart is too fragile
and too trusting.
I am too easily broken.
I need to protect me.
I just do not know how.
But if I let you in,
if I let you know me…
PLEASE KNOW THAT
IT HAS TAKEN
EVERYTHING
IN ME
to trust you,
to let you into my life,
to open my heart
and let you in.
It scares me.
You are holding a loaded gun to my heart.
PLEASE DO NOT PULL THE TRIGGER?

I am a loner.
Yet, I do not like being alone.
But often, it is just safer that way.

So, if I talk to you,
please know you are important to me.

I rarely ever want to be around anyone.
Most times, I just want to be left alone.
So, if I want to spend time with you,
please know that I see
something very valuable in you,
something that my heart relates to…
And that I feel safe enough to be around you.

I AM NOT FOR EVERYONE
SIMPLY BECAUSE
I REFUSE
TO BE FOR EVERYONE.

No one really knows me…
Unless they take the time to find out.

I am not like the world.
I do not think the same.
I do not act the same.
PLEASE DO NOT
expect me
to be the same
because YOU WILL
DEFINITELY
BE HORRIBLY WRONG.

I am an open book.
I am very honest.
Just ask,
and I will tell you
anything you want to know…
No matter what it is.
Then watch my actions
and you will see my word is true.

I NEVER say
what I do not mean,
and if I am unsure,
I will tell you that too.

I do not chop and change my mind.
I am not fickle.
I am an overthinker.
When I say something,
please know
I have thought about it A LOT
to actually give an answer.
MY ANSWER STANDS ON SOLID GROUND.
If I give you my word,
I will go out of my way to keep it.
MY WORD IS TRUE.

I am always me.
You get what you see.
There are no two sides to this.
I will NEVER put on a mask
and pretend I am something else.

So, who am I?

I am
completely
and
utterly
misunderstood…
All simply because
I am not like everyone else in this world.
But honestly,
what is the point
of being someone else?
And what is the point,
of being like everyone else?

I wish you would take the time,
and give me a chance.
I might just let you in.
Then you will understand.

I AM DIFFERENT TO EVERYONE
YOU HAVE EVER KNOWN.

I AM NOT CONFUSING.
I AM DIFFERENT.
I AM REAL.

But until then…
Maybe I should rather just be alone.
It is just safer that way.

But then again,
I am waiting for the chance
for someone to want
to know who I really am,
to know the real me,
and to understand…