MUSIC DEEPER INTO YOU
Written, composed and created by Candice Rijavec, with the support of creative tools that helped bring the emotion to life.
I wasn’t looking for someone,
I wasn’t waiting at the door,
I had learned to live behind the walls
I’d built from everything before.
Then somehow you crossed my path
Like a road I never knew,
And before I could protect my heart,
I was already falling into you.
I tried to keep my distance,
Tried to keep my heart locked down,
But every wall I built around me
Just came crashing to the ground.
And when I fell, you caught me,
You didn’t let me hit the floor,
And somewhere in the breaking
I found I needed you even more.
Now I don’t know how to hide it,
I don’t know how to pretend,
‘Cause somewhere between the fear and falling,
I found my heart again.
You’re more than I could ever ask for,
More than I ever thought I’d find,
You’re my second skin, my shadow,
My heart deep within mine.
You’re the air inside my lungs,
The breath I need to live,
And I don’t want a world without you,
I’ve got so much more to give.
I was falling, falling, falling,
And I fell so hard for you,
I kept telling myself I wasn’t,
But I know now that I do.
I love you.
I have fallen completely into you.
And I can’t deny it anymore.
You came into my life so quietly,
Then suddenly you were everywhere,
In every thought before I sleep,
In every breath, you’re there.
You’re like a dream I dared to dream
But never thought I’d see,
And somehow when I wake up,
You’re still right here next to me.
You don’t disappear with morning,
You don’t fade with the light,
You’re the dream that stayed beside me,
You’re the reason dreams feel right.
And if forever has no promise,
If tomorrow’s still unknown,
I’ll fight for every day beside you,
I’ll fight because you’re my home.
‘Cause I don’t need to know forever,
I just know what I want to do…
Every road that life puts before me,
I want to walk it next to you.
You’re more than I could ever ask for,
More than I ever thought I’d find,
You’re my second skin, my shadow,
My heart deep within mine.
You’re the air inside my lungs,
The breath I need to live,
And I don’t want a world without you,
I’ve got so much more to give.
I was falling, falling, falling,
And I fell so hard for you,
I kept telling myself I wasn’t,
But I know now that I do.
I have fallen completely into you.
And I can’t deny it anymore.
I want to keep you forever,
Even if forever changes shape.
I’ll stand beside you through the breaking,
I’ll hold you when you shake.
And I’ll spend the rest of my days
Learning every part of your heart,
Making you smile when the night gets heavy,
Loving you right from the start.
I want to watch your smile
Light up the darkest sky,
I want to wake beside you
A thousand mornings at a time.
And every single day I have you,
I’ll make you fall for me again,
Not because I need to be chosen…
But because I’d choose you
Again.
And again.
And again.
You’re more than I could ever ask for,
You’re everything I never knew I needed,
You’re my second skin, my shadow,
The place where all my pieces meet.
You’re the oxygen I breathe in,
The air beneath my wings,
And I don’t want to lose you,
Not after everything.
I was falling, falling, falling,
And I finally let myself fall,
Past every wall I’d built to save me,
Past every fear I’d ever known at all.
And you were standing there to catch me,
When I couldn’t catch myself,
And I fell deeper into loving you
Than anybody else.
I fell deeper into you,
Deeper than I ever knew I could,
And every part of me that was afraid
Finally understood…
I don’t want to live without you.
You’re the dream I dared to dream,
The one I never thought would come true.
And now I wake up every morning
And there you are…
You’re not a dream anymore.
You’re here.
You’re my heart.
You’re my oxygen.
You’re the dream that stayed.
The dream I never thought I’d find.
You.
Heart…
Aching…
Breath…
Shaking…
What have I done?
I let down the walls
I built to keep me safe,
And now I don’t know
Where my heart has gone to hide.
I search for you
In the quiet spaces,
But you’re not there.
I listen for your footsteps
Somewhere beyond the door,
But not even a ghost
Comes walking anymore.
The silence feels enormous,
Like a room I can’t escape,
And every second without you
Feels like something I can’t take.
I feel so disconnected.
I miss you.
Seconds turn to weeks,
And days become eternity.
I long for your arms,
I long to feel you near,
But dropping all my walls
Has made me more terrified
Than I’ve ever been before.
You did nothing.
You did nothing wrong.
But my past keeps dancing
Like distorted shadows
At the back of my mind.
And in your silence…
They scream.
They tell me I’ve lost you.
They tell me I’ve ruined everything.
They tell me to run
Before you can leave me.
But all I want
Is you.
I’m missing you.
The ache.
The fear.
The blood trembling
Inside my bones.
I feel like I’ve messed up.
You tell me I haven’t.
I hear your words,
But somewhere underneath them
Something in me still whispers,
You did.
You did.
You did.
But maybe that’s not my voice.
Maybe it’s every wound
I’ve carried into this room,
Every goodbye I’ve ever feared,
Every time I learned
That love could disappear too soon.
So when you go quiet,
My mind fills in the spaces.
It takes your silence
And turns it into goodbye.
It takes one moment
And makes it forever.
It takes the love I finally trusted
And tells me I am about to lose it.
You did nothing.
You did nothing wrong.
But my past keeps dancing
Like distorted shadows
At the back of my mind.
And in your silence…
They scream.
They tell me I’ve lost you.
They tell me I’ve ruined everything.
They tell me to run
Before you can leave me.
But all I want
Is you.
Frozen.
Fear.
I don’t know how
To make my heart be still.
I want to stop breathing
Until you’re finally near.
I want to close my eyes
Until I hear your voice.
I want to disappear
Into the space between
Missing you
And having you back.
Because I don’t know
How to tell my past
That you’re not them.
I don’t know
How to convince my fear
That you’re not leaving.
I don’t know
How to love you
Without waiting
For the moment it hurts.
But I’m trying.
I’m still here.
I’m still choosing you.
You did nothing.
You did nothing wrong.
It’s just the ghosts
I’ve carried for too long.
And when the silence comes,
They wake inside my head.
But underneath their screaming,
There’s something louder still…
I love you.
I miss you.
I need you near.
And I don’t want my past
To steal you from me.
I don’t want to lose you
To a fear you never gave me.
I don’t want to punish you
For wounds you never made.
I don’t want to build another wall
Just because I’m scared you’ll leave.
I want to stay.
I want to breathe.
I want to believe
That you are still here.
Heart…
Aching…
Breath…
Shaking…
But somewhere beneath the fear,
I still love you.
And somewhere beneath the silence,
I’m still waiting for you.
Life doesn’t feel like living
If living means
You not being here.
So please…
Stay.
I wish you could hear
what happens inside my head
when I fall in love.
Sometimes loving you
doesn’t sound like love.
Sometimes it sounds like:
Run.
Hide.
Don’t trust this.
You’re going to get hurt.
And the worst part?
I don’t know if it’s you…
or the past.
I never learned to love halfway,
when I feel it, I feel everything.
I read between the spaces,
hear the silence in the things you don’t say.
A different tone,
a little distance,
and my mind turns on the lights.
Looking for a reason,
looking for a sign,
looking for the moment
when you stop being mine.
And I hate it,
because I know
you might not have done anything wrong.
But my brain remembers
what my heart has known too long.
Suddenly I’m somewhere else,
fighting ghosts that came before you.
You see an ordinary moment,
I feel a warning in my chest.
You say, “Nothing’s wrong,”
but my brain won’t let me rest.
I’m scared…
I’m scared…
My mind keeps screaming,
“It’s the same.”
I’m scared…
And I don’t know
if I’m remembering or seeing.
Is this the past
or is this today?
Is this a wound
or something you’re about to say?
I know you are not them.
I know this isn’t what it was.
But my brain keeps screaming:
“Run before it happens.
Run before it hurts.
Run before you love them
so much it destroys you.”
And I’m standing here
trying to make it understand:
This is not the same.
This is not the same.
But sometimes…
my brain doesn’t believe me.
Three hours of silence
can feel like three weeks.
Time doesn’t always move
the way it moves for everyone else.
Dissociation pulls the walls away.
My body is here,
but my fear is somewhere back there.
My damaged frontotemporal brain
tries to put the pieces together,
but sometimes they don’t fit.
So I scan.
I search.
I compare.
I watch.
I wait.
For one tiny sign
that everything is about to change.
Because once,
the warning signs mattered.
The danger was real.
And now my brain doesn’t know
when to stop protecting me.
If I ask too many questions,
I’m not trying to control you.
I’m trying to find out
if I’m safe.
If I go quiet,
I’m not punishing you.
Sometimes I’m trying not to fall apart.
And if I react too quickly,
I’m terrified.
Because I’m even more terrified
that I’m wrong.
You saw a message.
I saw abandonment.
You saw distance.
I felt rejection.
You saw today.
I felt yesterday.
Neither of us is lying.
We’re standing inside
two different realities.
And mine has scars in it.
I don’t want to accuse you.
I don’t want to make you pay
for what someone else did.
I don’t want my fear
to become a weapon.
I just need you to understand:
sometimes my brain
is fighting something you cannot see.
I’m telling myself:
Don’t react.
Don’t overthink.
Don’t ruin this.
That’s the past.
Breathe.
Wait.
And still…
the fear gets louder.
Because I love you.
That’s the part nobody understands.
If I didn’t care,
I wouldn’t be this afraid.
If you meant nothing,
your silence wouldn’t hurt.
Love opened a door
that trauma taught me to barricade.
Now I’m standing between two choices:
wanting to run,
and desperately wanting to stay.
When my brain says,
“It’s happening again,”
can I answer:
“No.”
When it says,
“You’re going to be abandoned,”
can I answer:
“Not yet.”
When it says,
“This feels familiar,”
can I answer:
“Familiar isn’t the same.”
When it says,
“Run…”
can I just breathe?
I’m scared…
But scared doesn’t mean unsafe.
I’m scared…
But fear doesn’t get to decide my fate.
You are not them.
This is not then.
And I am not
the person I was back when.
My brain may be damaged.
My memories may be fractured.
My sense of time may bend
under everything I’ve survived.
There will be days
when hours feel like weeks,
nights when I cannot quiet the noise,
moments when the past
comes rushing through the present.
But I am learning.
This is not the same.
This is not the same.
This is not the same.
Maybe one day
my brain will believe me.
You are not them.
This is not then.
I am here.
You are here.
This moment is real.
I’m still scared.
But I’m still here.
And maybe…
that’s where healing begins.